By: Kyle Xu

Harry Potter. Lord Voldemort. For millennia, we have never doubted the fact that Potter was the hero and Voldemort was the villain: a power-hungry dark wizard who split his soul into too many pieces by committing atrocities resulting in the deaths of many members of the wizarding community. But now, we consider that Voldemort could be none other than a kind, fun-loving hamster, and the hoax of “Lord” Voldemort was propaganda produced by the wizarding community.

According to the Harry Potter series, Voldemort was born under the name of Tom Marvolo Riddle to Merope Gaunt, a descendant from the infamous Salazar Slytherin, and Tom Riddle Senior, a muggle (average human). He was sent to the Wool’s Orphanage as his mother died almost immediately after birth.

Now, most of this is just a load of rubbish. “Voldemort,” who was actually just a mere hamster named “Ribbetamort,” was born and raised in the Woof’s Orphanage for Hamsters in Diagon Alley. People think his father was Tom Riddle Senior because Riddle was a handsome wizard who came to visit Ribbetamort every day, sometimes even feeding him Slyther Crackers by hand, which were a popular snack brand styled after one of the founders of Hogwarts, a school for witches and wizards.

Cracker’s aside, let’s review “Voldemort’s” story again. Tom Marvolo Riddle lived on an island of isolation at the orphanage. He had no friends, no family. Albus Dumbledore, from his experience with Voldemort, says that he had “never wanted a friend, let alone have one.” Strange, magical things happened around young Riddle (Voldemort).

Again, pure rubbish. Ribbetamort had no friends because the other hamsters were jealous that Riddle Senior would feed him Slyther Crackers. However, he was fine that way. He played with Riddle Senior all the time. But what about Voldemort’s magical feats at the orphanage, you ask? Ha! — There were no magical feats. The Slyther Crackers made Ribbetamort hyper, which is commonly confused with acts of magic.

Apparently the next section of the lore of “Voldemort” states that Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of all time, visited Voldemort and sent him to Hogwarts. Wrong again. In reality, a great tragedy occurred in Ribbetamort’s life: Tom Riddle Senior died of wart attack. Thus, he was left in deep depression. The Head Hamster decided to send him as a “buddy” to Hogwarts along with Neville Longbottom, as Ribbetamort bonded better with humans than actual hamsters.

From there, Ribbetamort was known school-wide as the “Morty” hamster and Neville was a hero. Of course, spiteful young Potter just couldn’t take his eyes off the attention Longbottom was getting, so he worked with the Ministry of Magic to get more popular. He told everyone that there was no Ribbetamort, only a dark wizard named Voldemort who attacked him when he was young. From there, he drew a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead with a Permanent-TheyLookRealistic!-ScarStyled-Sharpie. Figures. Pure shame.

But then, Potter committed the act that should send him down into history as one of the most evil dark wizards of all time. He killed Ribbetamort!

So you see, Potter is none other than a power-hungry dark wizard who split his soul into too many pieces by committing atrocities resulting in the death of an important member of the wizarding community–Ribbetamort. But maybe one day, the truth will be told, and Potter shall be sent down to justice.

Post Scriptum: Please note that this was a piece of propaganda created by the “Death Eaters: ‘death’ tastes too good!” organization, published by “The Kibbler: The ‘Quibbler’ but evil.” Your choice to trust it.