By: Jie Shao

The music was loud. A Chinese rock singer was yelling into my ears: “Now I’m tired, tired like a wildflower broken by the wind / So I’ve changed, changed into a fierce hot firework.” I remembered seeing this song performed live, remembered how a middle-aged man in audience took off his rock ‘n’ roll sunglasses and cried. My eyes got a little wet too. Then, through my watery eyes, I saw the font on the digital screen changed. Fulton Street, that’s my stop. I took off the earphones, and the sound of music was abruptly replaced by the sound of city. I walked out of the station, into the world of computer screens, meetings, and professional small talks. Time to play an adult.

That is how I got to work every day during the first several months. Before that, I was a housewife for five years. If you asked me five years ago if I wanted a housewife life or a full-time job, I would have chosen to be a housewife. Afternoon tea with girlfriends, shopping on weekday mornings when the on-sale items are out fresh and you can get all the good stuff. Then my immigration paperwork got messed up and I had to switch my student/intern visa to a spouse visa, which meant I had no work authorization. I became a housewife. Wish granted.

Three months after the housewife life kicked off, our first baby was born. Then, three years later, another. I never got to that afternoon tea, but I did end up with a bunch of discounted clothes that are not even close to being classified as good stuff. When I did get a break I went online to check other friends’ statuses, only to find that they were either on business trips in a first-class seat or giving a speech as a panelist. What were my accomplishments, you ask? The meal I cooked was disapproved of by my 10-month-old, since he threw it up under the table. So the answer is nothing.

My eagerness to get to work became stronger and stronger, and I began to make preparations. Every day after the kids went to sleep, I would study for two to three hours to become a certified financial analyst. A few months later, I passed the exam. Then I start to worry about the five-year gap on my resume. After searching my memory for anything that was remotely related to finance besides calculating the price per diaper when comparing two brands, I found something: A real estate investment project I did with my friends. We pooled our money together by establishing an LLC and invested in the company’s name. On my resume, I described myself as the co-founder of a small business. (Don’t judge me! Who is to throw the first stone when it comes to bluffing on your resume?) Then, just when my work authorization arrived, an opportunity opened up. A friend resigned from her current position and referred me to her supervisor as a replacement. Just like that, five years later, I got to work.

The first few months were rough, though. You may be able to tell from the first paragraph that I wasn’t exactly in a cheerful mood. I had this blind, self-inflated illusion that once I got back to work, I’d kill it. But the reality was that my Excel, programming, and even English writing skills all required some level of refamiliarization. And of course all my colleagues are brighter and, most importantly, younger than me. About half a year after I got the job, my boss—whom I respect very much—called me into her office and said “You are an OK analyst, but I believe you have much more potential than that.” Her intention was to encourage me, but the “OK” comment was the last straw for my self-esteem. But it was also the last crack in my cocoon. It felt like things were so bad that they couldn’t get worse. The “support” coming from rock bottom somehow boosted my confidence. It turns out that confidence is everything. I started to speak normally instead of stuttering in meetings, and the first few months of regaining my skills passed. Starting from there, everything became better and better. Hopefully, that will continue.

Five years has passed since I got to work. Looking back, I am only grateful. My two kids got great care when they were young, since they were my only focus. When they grew older and didn’t need their mommy that much, I went to work. It was not a setback, just a set. IIf I were to give advice to fresh graduates, it is this: Don’t give up your job. But if you have to, relax. Where there is a will, there is a way.